So if you are thinking about getting a puppy, take this test first to assess your readiness.
Test 1 - Peeing on the floor
Step 1: Take a cup full of urine.
Step 2: Pour it on your carpet and let it soak in for a while (if you have hardwood floors make sure to find an area rug to pour the urine on).
Step 3: Step in it.
Step 4: Attempt to clean the urine out of your carpet, with only partial success.
Test 2 - Waking up in the middle of the night
Step 1: Set an alarm to make repetitive, loud, high pitched noises at 2 in the morning.
Step 2: Get up and go outside in the middle of winter wearing nothing but your winter coat and a pair of winter boots.
Step 3: Chase a greased piglet around your yard in the snow for 20 minutes trying to catch it.
Step 4: Go back to bed and listen to repetitive, loud, high pitched noises for 30 more minutes before falling back to sleep.
Test 3 - Financial burden
Step 1: Arrange to have $100 per month deposited directly to the pet food vendor.
Step 2: Arrange to have another $100 per month deposited directly to the vet.
Step 3: Take your favourite pair of shoes and throw them in the garbage.
Test 4 - Dog fur
Step 1: Go to the groomers and get a garbage bag full of dog fur clippings.
Step 2: Cover yourself in dog fur.
Step 3: Spread the fur clippings around your entire house, including in your food.
Test 5 - Chewing things
Step 1: Get a steak knife.
Step 2: Use the steak knife to stab little holes in all of your favourite sweaters, shoes, and furniture.
Test 6 - Food stealing
Step 1: Cook Thanksgiving dinner.
Step 2: Forget the turkey on the counter unattended for 10 seconds.
Step 3: Put 1/3 of the turkey down the garbage disposal.
Step 4: Put another 1/3 of the turkey in the blender with milk and lemon juice.
Step 5: Pour the blended turkey mixture all over the basement carpet.
Step 6: The remaining 1/3 of the turkey is yours to eat for Thanksgiving dinner.
Step 7: Find the blended turkey mixture on your carpet the next morning.
Step 8: Step in it.
Step 9: Try to clean the blended turkey mixture out of your carpet, give up and call the professional carpet cleaner.
Step 10: Call your vet and transfer him $100.
Test 7 - Drool
Step 1: Get a bucket of slobber.
Step 2: Smear slobber on all of your clothes and furniture.
Step 3: Fling slobber on your walls, let it dry. Try to clean it off.
Test 8 - Personal injury
Step 1: To simulate having a large breed puppy head-butt you, have someone throw a softball at your face breaking your nose and splitting open your eyebrow.
Step 2: While still bleeding, chase your greased piglet around the house, catch it and wrestle it into a crate.
Step 3: Go to the doctor for stitches.
Test 9 - Damaged floors
Step 1: Have beautiful new hardwood floors installed.
Step 2: Take a metal garden rake and scratch it around on all areas of the floor.
Test 10 - Poop
Step 1: Try to put a large pile of soft feces into a plastic bag that is much smaller than the feces pile without getting any on your hands.
Step 2: Carry around the bag of feces for an hour because you can't find a garbage bin.
Step 3: Take the feces and rub it into your carpet.
Step 4: Step in it.
Step 5: Try to clean the feces out of your carpet unsuccessfully, give up and call the professional carpet cleaner.
Test 11 - The yard
Step 1: Have your yard beautifully landscaped, with grass and lovely flower garden.
Step 2: Dig holes in your garden, pull up the flowers and scatter them around your yard.
Step 3: Destroy large portions of your grass by burning it with nitrogen.
Step 4: Scatter poop around your yard.
Step 5: Step in the poop.
Test 12 - Answering the doorbell
Step 1: Every time the doorbell rings play a recording of the repetitive, loud, high pitched noises (preferably while someone is either on an important phone call or sleeping).
Step 2: Go to the door and open it only 1 inch while trying to see who it is.
Step 3: Be unsuccessful at opening the door only 1 inch and sprint around your neighbourhood barefoot for at least 15 minutes trying to catch your greased piglet before it gets hit by a car.
Test 13 - Having your butt sniffed
Step 1: Put on a nice pair of pants.
Step 2: Have someone ram you in the crotch with a dirty, wet mop. Make sure to do this in public for maximum embarrassment all while trying to discretely deflect the mop and make casual conversation with someone.
Test 14 - Dog farts
Step 1: Get a can of fart spray (Does such a thing exist? Who am I kidding? Of course it does.)
Step 2: Spray it in every room of the house every 30-60 seconds. Make sure to spray the fart smell when talking to strangers and act like you don't smell it.
Test 15 - Bathing the puppy
Step 1: Fill your bathtub with water.
Step 2: Cover your greased piglet in mud and poop.
Step 3: Throw the greased piglet in the tub and try to catch it again.
Step 4: Attempt to maintain control of your greased piglet while drying it off with a towel.
Step 5: Dump half of the muddy/poopy bathwater on yourself and all over your bathroom.
Step 6: Let your greased piglet loose in the house and try to catch it again.
You are now ready to get a puppy!
Samson when he was a puppy
In all seriousness, puppies are really wonderful. They can be stressful at times, but if you put some effort into training them properly will grow into loving, devoted, and obedient pets who will probably be your best friend in the world and love you unconditionally.
(Please don't actually use a greased piglet. I do not intend for anyone to harm any actual animals while carrying out the steps of this hypothetical test.)
